You can call me Elise! I'm 17, and since I'm an Aquarius, it'll be a little bit before I'm 18, so... here I am! I found this forum pretty much by accident, but I've been looking for better ways to connect to the community - NOT the creepy people who say they're part of it. After just plain weird experiences with (no external contact methods allowed), and even some RL stuff that made me really uncomfortable (unsolicited, but that's another post), I just... really want someone my age to talk to that might be going through similar things.
I regress. It's mainly involuntary, but sometimes if I surround myself with stuffies or start coloring I can slip into a smaller space. This started happening... oh gosh, probably two or three years ago, but that was the really specifically "little" stuff. I've always been a bit more childish than the average; I love kids movies, and my room is full of stuffies. I adore cute things, and nature. I just never thought of it as being odd or different. Is anyone else like that?
My littlespace itself isn't sexual. I just want to be taken care of. I've found that, though as with most non-conforming relationships, it's complicated... That's why I also consider myself to be part of DDLG, though not actively (because yes, I realize that it's a BDSM subset and therefore technically not legal). I want to belong, and be taken care of, and eventually - not now - have a normal, healthy relationship that includes needs being met for both parties. Does that make sense?
Something that kind of bothers me, though, is that even though I've always been childish, it wasn't really my childhood that made me that way. I grew up pretty quickly. High school reading level in second grade, blah blah blah. I had to fend for myself quite a bit, because my mother was both single and in college, on top of caring for three teenage boys while I was itty-bitty. So yeah, I watched Barbie movies and played with Polly Pockets and messed with cute computer games and sang Disney songs... I just never quite stopped doing those things.
//(TW: ED, mental illness, self-harm, prior abusive relationship)//
Except maybe when I was super depressed? I stopped eating properly for over a year when I was in middle school, and kept having random episodes of it into high school. Even now I sometimes get a few icky days, but my Daddy talks me through them. I'm honestly so grateful for him, even if he can't really be in my life right now as solidly as I'd like. Back then was just... really rough. My partner at the time seemed really great, we liked the same stuff, and it just got so awful after the first year. They would ignore me for days or weeks at first, the worst was two and a half months, and when they came back they made it sound like it was my fault. Or that I was terrible for bothering them when they were already having such a rough time without me adding to their burden - but they 'still loved me so much'. Telling me I could be pretty, if I just lost some weight, wouldn't I like it if they could ever look at me like something they wanted. We never even did anything, save for some fairly chaste kisses, but they took to calling me "slut". I can't stomach that word now, even in the most beautifully written of textposts. Towards the end, it became physical. I was lucky to have started martial arts, because at least the bruises were more easily explainable than, "I fell off my bike. I'm just so clumsy." I finally got the courage to leave them, after finally telling someone about it (my sensei). I only told him parts of it, but he really strongly encouraged me to cut the relationship off, and I did. Shortly followed by the worst depressive episode I've ever had. I started cutting again, for the first time in at least six months, and I couldn't eat or sleep properly, and I just... it was really, really bad. That was when I started talking to someone I used to hang out with again, and it made me start thinking about what I tend to use as coping mechanisms. Given a name, that became regression. Littlespace.
//end of TW//
I just wanna splash around in cute rubber rainboots, holding Dada's hand and looking for fallen leaves and other little treasures. To go home and take a bath, before "helping" make dinner (no promises about the amount of flour on the counter if we bake something). Eating off of mismatching wares, pastel-themed plastics for me and normal porcelain for him, before doing the dishes together and somehow getting soap bubbles in my hair. Reading books at opposite ends of a loveseat, sharing a blanket and the comfortable silence that's built on trust. Is that... is that too much to ask for?